The Black Spots and the White Spots

I wrote a diary entry. And I felt like posting. Writing because I want to. Not because I have to. Not because it is my job now to write about health. Also, this post will have words involving many languages. Not because I want to show off. Just because some feelings seem right in some languages, more than others. At least to me. Anyway here is this diary entry. 

Annyeong. (Hello in Korean)

Naneun kkum-gatteun saesang sogeseo sarasseo. Hangsang.  

(I have lived in a dream-like world. Always.)

I thought living practically would benefit me. But at the same time, I thought there would be some aspects of the world that would be ideal. Some parts, that would be utopian. Some parts that would make me feel that there is some value that I am adding to the world. 

I have been practical, yet I have dreamt. 

Looking back is all I can do. 

Looking forward is intimidating.

This is something that I have realized to be common between me and my Maa. I am afraid I would resemble her, more and more as I grow up, or get older. Whatever. I am afraid I would turn into her, in my later years. Old age scares me.  

Whenever I watch dramas that explore themes like dreams, it makes me introspect. 

What did I really want? 

Saram deuri banjjag-banjjag bichnaneun nun-euro nareul chyeodabomyeon, naneun haengbokhae

(when people stare at me with shiny eyes, I am happy). 

Three things: To be needed, to be respected and to be happy. 

Aami khushi hoi. Mu khusi hue. Main khush hoti hun. (I become happy in Bengali, Odia, and Hindi). 

Now that I have pivoted to writing professionally, I realize gaining respect is hard. Workplaces are always messy, be it academia or elsewhere. Everyone wants respect, but giving respect is also difficult. If we respect we increase a person's value- both economically and emotionally. Makes me wonder if I was respectful to the people I worked with. 

Sincere respect is all I want. I will try to give sincere respect in return.

Practically speaking, practicality and utopian idealism have no meeting point. How much ever we say, the world is grey, at the end of the day, it is either black or white. No coexisting. No meeting point. 

The world is not like the fur coat of a Dalmatian. I wish it was. 

I told my father I have not done anything significant. But is doing anything significant important? 

Right now, I can't even live in a way that is considered normal. 

We always ask what is "normal". Today I would say, "normal" is getting up at the same time every day, taking a bath, making a meal, and eating that meal. Then do something that earns you money, come back home to make a meal, watch a drama while you eat, and then sleep at the same time each day. Like a sane person. 

It would be a dream to look forward to every next day, which would be filled with the same basic things that all normal people do. It would be a dream to have a family to look forward to while you do all those routine tasks. Some days, you would look forward to the next day, and some days you won't be able to do that. That's fine. 

Living this way comes instinctively to some as if it's a survival instinct. To live we eat, we hunt, we guard and we sleep. With time, guarding and hunting turned into guarding our feelings and working, instead. 

My man lives each day as if it's a new day. He lives the same way every day. tteugeopke keurigo yeolshimhage (passionately and dedicatedly, in Korean). He looks forward to spending time with his family. It's not like there is a special time for his family. It's just that they do everything together. His humility towards life, only makes me adore him more and more. 

But, this post was about me. Where was I? Ah, Yes, living normally. 

Right now I am not able to live normally. So aspiring to do something dramatic and significant is out of the question. 

Maybe, I should just aspire to be "normal". That itself is a dream. Maybe, like the female lead in this Korean drama called Love Next Door, imagines what she can do with the jar of 100-year-old soy sauce that she stumbled upon, I shall also find "something" that I look forward to. "Something" that ignites something within me, and relaxes me at the same time, "something" that would make me want to wake up every morning, an ikigai (reason to wake up every morning, in Japanese) of my own.  

Maybe I should just start with looking forward to a "normal" day. And then who knows, while I live "normally", I may find that "something", somewhere down the road.