Where am I - 10 years, 8 months and 7 days later?

                 It is interesting how Ali Abdaal's video on " How writing online made me a millionaire" encouraged me to look back on this blog that I had created, 10 years back. Looking back, I realized how innocent I was and how it reflected in my writing - my naivete, my honesty, and my feelings. Many things have changed since. I am not the spunky kid that I used to be, full of dreams and hope. Experience and life occupied those 10 years. I studied at the University of Hyderabad for a degree that taught me how to be open to different things that life throws at you (Systems Biology- also Uni changed the name of this Course to Biology, which I find lame). I also enrolled in a Ph.D. program that didn't work out (I held out for as long as I could though, 4 years, my goodness!). A few days back, my friends who were together since school days, became parents; many others are marrying while many others are comfortably settled in their jobs, posting Insta posts of their vacations and the assets they have acquired. Don't get me wrong. I am not resentful ( okay, maybe a little?). 

                Many things however have not changed. I am still as confused as ever! Now that I have left my Ph.D. and I am re-evaluating my life choices, I suddenly feel a lot freer. I have gone back to writing, only this time trying to make it into a profession. I am trying to upskill, joined multiple courses-completed some, completing some. I am also trying to forget the image that I had of myself- of becoming a tenured faculty like my father, with my own lab and students. Maybe it was like a projection of my parents, both of them academic people through and through. 

                The other day, a thought struck me. What if I discard this set image that I have of myself? What would happen if I visualize myself in different roles? These what-ifs are killing me. Somehow some inner voice replied-You will grow. It's not the end. It's the beginning. The last 10 years cannot be in vain. That there is growth that I cannot see. The old "excited and happy me" is peeking through and the present "me" is roaring to grow. 

                I had lost myself. The last 8 months have been all about healing. I let myself heal and now I will grow. I will write my heart out as I haven't in the past couple of years. 

               Most importantly, I promise to learn and I promise to be good to myself. I promise to vocalize my needs. I promise to be true to myself. I promise to be the best version of "me". 

Signing off as,

Ipsita

(who is as confused as ever) 

P.S.: All of this may sound "cliché". But heck, Life is cliché. The problems are cliché, and the solutions are cliché. Probably that's the best part-how everything seems to be unpredictable yet how predictable everything ends up being. 

P.S.: There is another promise I make. To write regularly in this blog.