Is it Dark Enough?

It is getting dark outside. But not quite. The yellow light of the lamp post is shining, and there is a pool of light below on the ground. As I said earlier, it is not pitch dark yet. Stormy winds are blowing. The storm isn't here yet. The lights at home are out, and I am outside, sitting on a weathered wooden stool; meditative music playing on my phone, Spotify setting the tone of the evening. I am sitting out, but not quite outside. I am still in the cocoon of my house, on the verandah, patio whatever it's called. The big gate is looming in front of me. Mosquitoes are humming to the anticipation of my blood. Nah, I know it's their wings flapping. They don't want to make a single sound, wanting to creep up surreptitiously, as noiselessly as possible. Yet here they are, betrayed by their own wings. 

I am reading a book called Sputnik Sweetheart. I am on a Murakami spree these days. trying to give up my phone addiction. Am I there yet? Nah, not quite. 

I feel like the mosquitoes these days. Wanting to do something, but betrayed by my own mental setup. I want to move mountains, achieve something, feel better, and whatnot; yet here I am, being a snooze fest every single morning. Picking myself up by the afternoon, if the day is blessed, and by the evening if it's cursed. My imagination makes every task hard, yet when I muster up my courage to finally get done with it, I realize, it's not so bad. It wasn't the mountain I thought, not worth the mental stress built up to that point. 

Why is convincing myself so hard? I know inside that if I keep at it, it is going to work out, it has to. I am not an ardent follower of God, but it is a pretty cool concept. I believe somewhere deep inside, that if I keep on doing something, upskilling myself, working like a machine, and putting in consistent efforts; the wheels and the cogs of the universe are bound to turn a favorable outcome for me. But the what-ifs are killing me. What if it doesn't?

This line of thinking is such a spoiler of mood, isn't it? Do you go through this too? 

There are Eureka moments. Moments where you actually realize that you already know deep inside. You realize that phone surfing is just you trying to run away from anxiety, only to find that you are actually running towards it. There are days when nothing on the phone interests me or gives me joy. Let me be honest, the Instagram, LinkedIn, and Substack feeds, or even the YouTube shorts, give you nothing but an intense FOMO, insecurity that you didn't get anywhere and other people have. It could have been you there. But you are not. 

I haven't told this aloud yet, but I want to put it out there. I am working towards becoming something I have no clue about. But as my counselor would say, it's enough to want and say it out aloud, "I want to do something, even if I might be bad at it" instead of saying "I want to do something but I am bad at it" See how one statement is more morose than the other. 

Maybe, I just need to endlessly try, till I actually make it. Try till I die or make it. Is there something you want to be good at? Something you want to do that you may be bad at? 

Is it dark enough to switch on the light? It isn't quite dark outside yet, you see. the light inside is enough for now. 

Signing off for today, 

Iridium

P.S.: It was a cursed day today.